Prep Time: 2 1/2 hours (depending on the trains)
2 Servings (possibly 3)
Ingredients:
1 suicide note from estranged sister
2 cups of distilled shock
2 cups of grief
2 subway tokens
1 ½ pounds of dignity (best results if fresh)
2 tablespoons of self respect
1 bag of Nosy Neighbor™
1 whole undiscovered ex-brother-in-law (go for kosher if you can find it)
1 crystal figurine
Step 1
Break open the suicide note at the edges with a sharpened letter opener. Make sure to press the edge of the letter opener against the side of the envelope for a clean cut, which also prevents further ripping of the actual note. Put the note aside.
Step 2
Mix in a large bowl the distilled shock and grief. Blend evenly for about five minutes or until all bubbles of despair have been smoothed out. Keep on hand.
Step 3
Make sure you're sitting down on a smooth and cushioned surface, before you read the letter, as doing so standing or while operating a moving vehicle can result in premature mayhem. Read the letter.
Step 4
Immediately take the bowl of mixed shock and grief and wallow in it for no more than twenty minutes. Resist the urge to call a friend as they might succeed in talking sense into you. At the twenty mark, slap yourself out of it, forcefully. To ready your hand, consider soaking it in warm water before reading.
Step 5
Shake out of the stupor, swallow both teaspoons of self respect and head for the door.
Step 6
Take the A train to 14th Street and from there take the L train to 1st Avenue. Walk to the last known apartment complex of your estranged sister.
Step 7
Find your estranged sister's house and knock on the door. Wait two minutes and repeat.
Step 8
Walk around the block and knock once more only to be startled by the Nosy Neighbor™, who asks what you're doing snooping around the building. Ask her about your estranged sister. If timed correctly, the Nosy Neighbor™ will respond by ripping off a half pound of your dignity and inform you she doesn't live there anymore. If she doesn't take the dignity with her, don't worry too much, because you shouldn't have much left by the time you're finished with this recipe anyway.
Step 9
Take the L train to Union Square, and then take the 6 train to 33rd Street. From there walk to the address of the first person on her list.
Step 10
Knock on the door of the first person on her list, and wait. If the door doesn't open in five minutes, check to see if the lights are on and knock after another five. While waiting, stick your finger down throat far enough to vomit up the two teaspoons of self respect but not too far as to cause actual damage to your wind-pipe.
Step 11
Once opened, offer the undiscovered ex-brother-in-law the tablespoons of swallowed pride and proceed inside.
Step 12
Ask the undiscovered ex-brother-in-law about your sister. Listen to the undiscovered ex-brother-in-law tell you about his marital problems and his year long separation until you notice the veins on his forehead begin to throb. To get it right, the vein should be throbbing about two times per second and his skin should be turning a nice shade of pale salmon. Again, kosher undiscovered ex-brother-in-laws are a bit more consistent in the cut of their jib, which is why we recommend that option. At this time accuse him of murder, and if you've timed it correctly his eyes should dilate slowly and he should begin fumbling with his beard.
Step 13
Let the undiscovered ex-brother-in-law stew for roughly two minutes until nice and frothy and then gently bump the crystal figurine off the mantelpiece and onto the marble tile below. Make sure you do it forcefully enough to have it break into a nice pile of smithereens, but not so forcefully that it doesn't seem like an accident.
Step 14
Having shattered the figurine, the rest of your dignity should shatter along with it, just in time for you to look up and see that the now clearly deranged undiscovered ex-brother-in-law is armed with a suitably deadly looking firearm.
Congratulations! You've just made a Fine Mess of Things! You're screwing up just like a pro!
If you're interested in our other recipes, check the links at our web site for step by step instructions on how to make a shit sandwich and my favorite: humble pie! Mal-Appetite!
